A Garden of Virtues

Still considering Evangeline in the future, but I feel what's right for me is to de-clutter what I have first, and I don't feel motivated to do that. It's very dispiriting to go through that room actually. I have many dolls I know I don't need that have many little pieces and ensembles I'm going to have to chase down, and I'm not going to get that much money for any of it. I cannot even get into that closet to get some things I need, for sewing or otherwise, it's craziness. I tried my Hot Looks clothes and American Girl clothes on Josette today. The Hot Looks tops work well, but the bottoms are too small. I don't know that the style suited her. Her presence is so different than my other Ha Yarn Cho. It's very difficult for me to believe it's the same doll. I have thought of comparing photos, but I feel almost touchy about it. I don't really want to think about the old Josette or the differences between the old and the new. The old Josette h...

Through this film of darkness covering my gaze and all that I see my thoughts are all for you What am I, who am I, that I long for the sheltering gloom of that dark place why, when I am lonely, can I not seek the companionship of others Why do I go where I am not wanted Why am I peaceful where I am not comfortable? I feel it would be the joy of my life to please you just once But again and again I disappoint Just when it is most crucial to succeed I make my slip And am fated always to be lackluster in your eyes Why when I am separated from that place Do my thoughts turn toward it again and again That dark and lonely morgue? Just when I think I may have won your approval You remind me that I am unwanted Just when I think you might open the door I find it locked against me You shut me out and leave me with my own scattered thoughts It seems like I belong with you Or at least I don't belong anywhere else Won't you please give me a chance?  

I am sitting by the window watching the rain fall over the fields like a gray mantle. It is in tune with my spirits, and I wish the tears could fall so easily from my eyes. My small red canary Cerise is singing as though his heart would break. He loves this rain that is falling after months of drought. I wish Cerise would let me hold him, but he is averse to my touch. After months he is still terrified when I reach inside of his cage to replenish his food or water. I feel so sad and alone. On days like these I long for even a single memory of Mortimer's regard or kindness. I know he does not think of me, but if he knew the depth of my feelings for him, would he be able to remain unmoved? I think I hear the sounds of wheels on gravel outside, but how can it be? * I couldn't believe my eyes as I looked out the window and saw the Morts' carriage. My heart skipped a beat, then two beats, as I saw the tall, straight figure of Mr. Mort emerge in the gloom and advance toward my ho...