I can't believe it. It looks like the rusted gates to The Garden of Virtues are going to be laboriously parted by small articulated resin hands after all once more. I am glad that I am buying Lanie's Angel, but I am also a little sad. I remember disposing of Dresden along with my other dolls. I was in a vicious rage. I hesitated over Dresden's prone form, thinking, goodness, even I don't think of her as a BJD, is this really necessary? And then, blindly, cutting the strings. I can't believe I am actually talking about this now. I have not talked about it before.
I regretted losing her afterward, because I did not really need to part with her. She was a sweet, special presence, a little woman. I have kept all of her eyes, wigs and clothes. Of course I will never forget the moments in which I divested all of my BJD's of their clothing, wigs and eyes. The other day Henry came around with a little velcro he had found and I grew faint, knowing that it had come from one of their heads. Somehow it had gotten under the bed or a chair in the fervor and remained for several months, only to remind me once more of that horrible day.
I have spent the afternoon on the Internet looking for information about my new Angel, and I happened across many pictures of my dolls. It is so hard to see them. I used to cry immediately if a thought of them even crossed my mind, and I could not look at my pictures.
I do not even know which Angel Lanie has. I just agreed to buy her for $25. I decided today I would name her Fanchon, after the bad sister in The Fairies. I don't know how much I will play with her, but for the low price I don't really even care.
I feel so strange tonight, right now. I wish I could explain. I feel some kind of bridge connecting me to the past across a chasm of the months of pain and growth in my life. Maybe the good in the past, which I had to leave behind along with the bad, has run to catch up with me and has arrived out of breath in front of me. That's how it feels.
Comments
Soft thoughts.....
Fanchon.
Something feels different.
But now, after time and healing, you are able to feel the connections to other dolls, welcoming them into your life. I am intrigued by Paloma, and so look forward to her evolution. And now Fanchon and whatever her destiny may be.
I love R&D angels so much. I can't wait for Fanchon.
I, too, am so glad you have a place to write and to express your feelings. That expression remains so very necessary to our healing and coping. And our sanity. I often feel guilty for intruding on your private thoughts.
Thank you for your friendship.
Sheilah (and Ariel)
ADONAIS STANZA X
And one with trembling hands clasps his cold head,
And fans him with her moonlight wings, and cries,
"Our love, our hope, our sorrow, is not dead;
See, on the silken fringe of his faint eyes,
Like dew upon a sleeping flower, there lies
A tear some Dream has loosen'd from his brain."
Lost Angel of a ruin'd Paradise!
She knew not 'twas her own; as with no stain
She faded, like a cloud which had outwept its rain.
(From Ariel's former web site, The Odyssey of a Soul)