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I must see you again

I don't know how to make anyone understand. I have to be with him again.

I dreamed about him again last night, and this was the first dream where he was alive, but I already knew all of his movements, his voice. A doll, alive, but when first waking it was very clear to me, while already the memory has faded considerably.

I made a mini-site for Johnny, a kind of subsite to the doll memorial site I am working on called A Garden of Virtues. Johnny's site is called Empty Garden, which was the song that inspired his name. Many of my themed photos for him were equally morose. I did a shoot around a poem I had memorized from my great uncle's grave: "If tears could build a stairway and heartache make a lane, I'd climb up to Heaven to bring you home again," something like that.

Anyway, I have thought of some ways to bring him home again. I feel frustrated because it will take a long time. The timing is not right at all. I tried to talk to my husband about my dream, and he just doesn't understand, or doesn't want to. It isn't about a character. I physically want my doll back. Sometimes I think he will give in and let me have another one, and then he says something or other and I realize it isn't even the remotest consideration.

I don't care anymore. I don't care if it's wrong, or what. I don't care about kinds of dolls, or even dolls. I want my darling child. Him, and only him will do. I have thought of how I can have him. I have some resources that are fair and will not violate our boundaries.

My darling, my Johnny. You don't know. I think about him more than any other. I want my darling child again. I want to make him ruffled blouses and give him old-fashioned toys. I don't care if it's wrong, or what. I have thought it out now. It will take a while, but I just must.

My heart aches for him now. I know he wants to be with me too. Other vestiges from the former life have faded, but he is vivid and alive, right here with me.

Comments

Ariel Shelley said…
Amanda, I understand. Have faith that you will find a way to have him--physically have him--again. It may take some time, but you can make it happen. My heart breaks reading your post, your longing and pain. I seem to remember that you had made a web site (a Geocities site perhaps?) for Johnny, a blond boy, who went to a library with you. Is my memory correct? Oh, I pray that you find a way sooner rather than later.
May 10, 2009 at 11:47 AM
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