Johnny has been in my thoughts, in my heart, almost continuously. I feel almost certain that I am going to find a Dollmore Calvin soon that I can afford and that I will have him again.
Living without him and Josette in physical form caused me to realize that their presences are independent of a doll's form and that they exist primarily in my mind in a sense that is more powerful than a character from my stories. Suddenly, at random times, I breathe in his sweet essence. Sometimes, when I am driving, his presence seems closer.
The above image is taken from my last photo story with him in March 2008. I scarcely had him past that date. I feel comfortable publishing photos of him now, as I do of the old Josette, I because I know he exists no matter what doll, or if any doll, is representing him. It doesn't matter that I don't own the sculpt any longer. I don't feel, as I once did, that I am misleading anyone into believing I have this particular doll, when I write about him or post the old images of him.
I received the new Josette last May, Josette's story has developed so richly that it will be impossible to look back on this time of my life without remembering all the time I have spent at the Manor House in her existence.
After leaving the hobby in 2008, I missed Johnny more than any of my other dolls. There were life problems, some serious issues, that I really needed to face, and my feelings toward my dolls changed completely when I faced some unpleasant truths. I sold off some of my bjd stuff, but not all of it, and to tell the truth, I experienced a terrible sense of guilt that I didn't sell my dolls. I didn't take the time. I was in a hysterical state of mind in those months, and I burned Johnny and Josette in the fireplace, and I dismantled the other dolls into their parts and discarded them in a sealed box. I didn't burn up my two favorite dolls because I hated them, but as a kind of burial.
I have felt a tremendous guilt over the years because of my wasteful action. It would have been a better choice to sell my dolls on eBay or some other site and ship them to someone who would appreciate them. However, I've got to forgive myself for my original "sin," because material-wise, there are plenty of affordable bjd's for those who want one of their own. I have also since learned that other people who were going through the kind of pain that I was have also destroyed their expensive possessions.
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