I dreamed about him again last night, and this was the first dream where he was alive, but I already knew all of his movements, his voice. A doll, alive, but when first waking it was very clear to me, while already the memory has faded considerably.
I made a mini-site for Johnny, a kind of subsite to the doll memorial site I am working on called A Garden of Virtues. Johnny's site is called Empty Garden, which was the song that inspired his name. Many of my themed photos for him were equally morose. I did a shoot around a poem I had memorized from my great uncle's grave: "If tears could build a stairway and heartache make a lane, I'd climb up to Heaven to bring you home again," something like that.
Anyway, I have thought of some ways to bring him home again. I feel frustrated because it will take a long time. The timing is not right at all. I tried to talk to my husband about my dream, and he just doesn't understand, or doesn't want to. It isn't about a character. I physically want my doll back. Sometimes I think he will give in and let me have another one, and then he says something or other and I realize it isn't even the remotest consideration.
I don't care anymore. I don't care if it's wrong, or what. I don't care about kinds of dolls, or even dolls. I want my darling child. Him, and only him will do. I have thought of how I can have him. I have some resources that are fair and will not violate our boundaries.
My darling, my Johnny. You don't know. I think about him more than any other. I want my darling child again. I want to make him ruffled blouses and give him old-fashioned toys. I don't care if it's wrong, or what. I have thought it out now. It will take a while, but I just must.
My heart aches for him now. I know he wants to be with me too. Other vestiges from the former life have faded, but he is vivid and alive, right here with me.
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